Zombies We’re People Too, Sort of


Former humans, Riley Hazelton, Janaya MacPherson, Ella Hazelton & Kassidy Nahirney
Former humans, Riley Hazelton, Janaya MacPherson, Ella Hazelton & Kassidy Nahirney

 

 

You know, no one blames you for thinking being a zombie can be a bit of a downer. We zombies get a lot of bad press, Yes “AMC” I’m looking at you. Don’t get me wrong, being a member of the walking dead has its advantages, such as you’re immediately eligible for a seat in the Canadian Senate. Not to mention in Canada’s current employment situation we’re grateful that any customer service department in the country will snap us up and where would do you think airports get their security screeners?

I know this is a big concern for you, but let me assure you we have absolutely no interest in eating your brains. I mean don’t you read the news? Ever hear of “Mad Cow“? Hello! Perhaps at times we’re not as picky as we should be about what we eat, but if you kept you cats and children in at night there really wouldn’t be a problem. So whose fault is it really? Perhaps you should be look in the mirror.

Now, I know for some of us personal hygiene is not as perfect as we’d like it to be and putrefaction can be an issue from time to time, but if you could refrain from vomiting right in front of us that would be appreciated.

We’re really not that different from you. We enjoy having social gatherings. That’s why we have so many zombie walks. It gives us a chance to “meat” the general public and to catch up with each other while checking out the local haunts. I know sometimes we get carried away, like Brenda losing her head for example. No, really if whoever walked away with it would contact Brenda she’d really like it back, no questions asked.

Are batteries included and other burning issues from my visit to Taboo


It has been a few days since the 5th annual Taboo Naughty..but nice Show visited Abbotsford and with no evidence of significant smiting from on high I’m feeling safe enough to share details of my visit. If you aren’t already aware, the show “provides an upscale adult playground dedicated to enhancing lifestyles, encouraging romance, personal betterment and all things Taboo.”

My hand was inked with a scarlet stamp (might want to consider a different colour next year, just saying) and I was greeted by a young lady dressed in a costume I’m guessing was intended to be sensual, but, and I mean no disrespect to her

when I say it reminded me of the costumes dancing Chihuahuas wear at the circus. She handed me a bag, but the lighting in the hall was subdued, so I decided to check out the contents of the bag later. Kevin Blackburn, the manager of the show assured me it wasn’t actually dark but was in fact mood lighting to “create an adult atmosphere to create more of a taboo style” and that the exhibitor’s booths were well lit. I did notice as I walked around that many of the items for sale seemed to glow in the dark or light up, so that helped.

Kevin told me the show is “happy to be back in Abbotsford after almost not doing the show this year.” (oh come on, look it up.) He assured me the initial cancellation of the show was legitimate and in no way a marketing ploy to gain publicity. Apparently the promotors didn’t want to disappoint those in the community that made 100s of phone calls and emails encouraging Taboo to come back. That along with an indication from the city and Tradex that in 2013, Taboo will likely get the type of liquor license they want after-all.

I must be of the certain age and body type that signals sellers of adult products “not worth the effort” as I wasn’t approached by any exhibitor with a pitch or demonstration. Although I did have to sidestep one young lady waving a whip in the middle of the aisle.  There were deals at the show, a $199 “male chastitybelt”(guaranteed escape proof) available for the jaw dropping price of $149. There were devices

designed to vibrate areas of the body that never occurred to me were deserving of vibration. I wonder why so many of the more intimate devices are named after small cuddly animals? For the record I would like to state there are some things that really shouldn’t be made as an edible product. Actually, I just remembered I was approached by one lady exhibitor. She wanted to show me a device for taking rough skin off my feet. My last faint delusion of personal attractiveness was irretrievably lost.

The Taboo show not only offered items to stimulate or flagellate, but also provided the opportunity for piercings, body modifications and tattoos. It wasn’t only the physical needs of attendees being catered to, but the psychological ones as well. A registered psychologist was on hand to arrange to help with problems relating to sexuality, relationships or court mandated services.

Taboo offered a selection of seminars with the price of admission. Just a few of the choices were, “Talking Dirty”, “Okay, I bought this flogger, now what?” and “You want to do what to me?” Oh yes and there was also a “love hypnotist” on hand to convince people to come on stage and be hypnotized. I’m not sure how wise being hypnotized at an adult product and services show would be, but that’s just me.

Clearly some oppose the show, but Kevin Blackburn told me that for the first time since the show has been coming to Abbotsford there were no protesters to be seen. Kevin estimates around 10,000 people attend Taboo when it comes to town. Oh, and I finally did look inside the bag. It contained a selection of lubricant. I’m happy to report my driver side door no longer has that annoying squeak, but the inside of the car reeks of pomegranate. Oh well.

There’s more to sports than hockey


It’s that time of year when your favorite hockey team has let you down yet again and you’re on the lookout for a new sport to follow. Allow me to present for your enjoyment and consideration a sport unlike any you’ve followed before. The participants can be a little rough around the edges, but apart from the occasional mouthful of spittle coming your way the spectator is generally safe. In this sport there is no boring hockey bits between fights, no here the spectator enjoys the experience of pure brute force, one true beast against another. Of course I refer to the great sport of “Camel Wrestling”.

Camel wrestling is no Johnny-come-lately in the sports world having been enjoyed for more the 2,400 years. I know it

can be hard to envision such a great length of time, but to make it clearer, that it is roughly five times as long as the shelf life of an average Twinkie.

Like any professional sport there has to be qualified referees to make sure things run smoothly. In camel wrestling there are 14 such referees monitoring each bout, so you can imagine the speed of each battle. In addition to the refs, of course there is a board of judges on hand just in case the camels stray too far away from the accepted rules and to rate each camel’s technique. Of course there are cows in heat nearby to motivate the players to attack each other. As you can see the sport is similar to hockey in many ways.

Each wrestling bout is comprised of two male camels attempting to get the other to the ground or force him to flee. To help you visualize this, imagine if you will the scene at the all-you-can-eat buffet restaurant following the Weightwatchers’ weigh-in. Uniforms? Of course there has to be uniforms, otherwise how could it really be considered a sport? Each camel is outfitted with layers of brightly coloured tapestry thingies and bells to make them stand out from one another. As to the choice of one hump or two, both varieties of camel enjoy favour in the sport.

The prize for all the expense and effort taken by the owner of the winning camel is usually in the form of a nice new rug. Of course, camel meat is on hand for the culinary enjoyment of the spectators, but no information was available by deadline on whether it is the winner or the loser.

Now that you’re all revved up and ready to go, just make sure that you’ve had your inoculations and a valid passport. What? Didn’t I mention that you’re on your way to Turkey?

 

Fight Fools Video

Camel wrestling in Turkey Deutsch: Kamelringen...
Camel wrestling in Turkey Deutsch: Kamelringen in der Türkei Türkçe: Türkiye'de deve güreşi (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Sex show canceled, an Abbotsford resident responds


 

English: Exotic dancer on stage.
Image via Wikipedia

I’m glad to see, if you’ll pardon my language, s-e-x has no place in the Fraser Valley.  The “5th Annual Fraser Valley Taboo Naughty But Nice Show” has been cancelled and it’s about time too. For far too long, we in the valley have been exposed to things that have no place being discussed, let alone seen in decent society. We have dirty magazines in corner stores luring our young men into lustful thoughts, ladies’ unmentionables being openly displayed for sale in our shopping malls, and don’t get me started on the rude looking vegetables that supermarkets insist on stocking. In fact, sometimes it takes me 20 minutes to leave the produce section.

Now, I’m no prude. I’m not proud to admit it, but I had sex once. It was 15 seconds of weakness that I ask forgiveness for every day. Even though I sinned I still had the decency to succumb to the evils of the flesh in the dark, behind closed doors and with my eyes closed, the way s-e-x is intended to be experienced.

How dare the show’s organizers expose adults to information involving their naughty bits? Did you know there was even going to be seminars offered at the show? In Vancouver, (a well known den of sin) there were talks on spanking and talking dirty. I don’t know why that is necessary. My parents spanked me and I turned out okay and they didn’t need to take any lessons on it. As far as talking dirty, let me tell you, if the house is dirty, I won’t have to talk to my wife about it she knows she’d better clean it. They even had a seminar called, “Pleasuring a Man’s Hot Spots”. I don’t know why they need a seminar on this. When I’m hot I just turn on the air conditioner. I don’t want to be totally negative though, because there was a seminar offered on cooking. I believe it was called something like, “Oral Delights”.

I don’t even want to talk about the live entertainment, but exotic dancers and adult film stars are in attendance at these shows. This is totally disgusting and all that is available on the Internet anyway, or so I’ve heard. Canadians spend over a billion dollars every year on adult sexual entertainment and that’s not factoring in the money politicians spend. You can’t even claim it as a business expense, or so I’ve heard.

I won’t be crying any tears about the show being cancelledalthough I’m still not sure on the organizer’s refund policy for pre-paid tickets — anyway as I was saying if we allow this type of show in the Valley, next there will be calls for sex education in the schools, and same sex blessings in churches. Not on my watch, no sir. Nothing good can come from encouraging the prevention of unwanted pregnancies or recognizing the importance of stable loving relationships. If God wanted to encourage sex, he wouldn’t have invented marriage. Anyway I’ve got to go. See you in church on Sunday?