Canada Forever Eh?


Coat of arms of Canada
Image via Wikipedia
Latest from my Facebook wall:
Hey Guys, hope you don’t mind if I answer all your questions in this one posting.
 
 Pierre, sorry I couldn’t get back to you sooner when you poked me, but I just finished my yoga and was changing into my gorgeous white Capri pants for my run on the beach when I heard Fox TV’s Greg Gutfeld, host of that scintillating exercise in intellectual regression, Red Eye advocating the United States invade Canada again. ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eyCVhk4_pxc ) I nearly dropped my can of Diet Coke when I realised this might really  cut into my landscape painting time. It takes something like this to make you realize that as Canadians, we have to stand up to protect all that we hold dear. I was wondering if maybe we should meet up at Pizza Hut later for a face to face?
 
Virginia, in answer to your question, yes there really is a U.S. military invasion plan. It’s called the “Joint Army Navy Basic War Plan – Red.” It involves the invasion of Canada by ground and sea. The Washington Post reports the plan was declassified in 1970, but I have I it on good authority there is a new plan code named: “Disjointed Inter-service Rivalry War Plan – Sorta, Kinda, Burgundy”.  Try not to worry too much though Virginia, the last time I was in Ottawa I overheard some information at the
McDonald’s near the Parliament buildings. It seems Canada has a little invasion plan of it’s own. It’s based on the tactics Canada used to repel the U.S. invasion in 1812. One of the main planners was author Leonard Wibberley. The plan is code named: “Invasion Plan 46 – Are We Really This Frigging Stupid: Run Away, Run Away – Yellow.”
 
Suhkwinder, yes you’re right, Canada has infiltrated a sleeper network into the United States. Rachel McAdams, Jim Carrey, Elisha Cuthbert, Celine Dion, Michael J. Fox, Alex Trebek, Dan Akroyd, Mike Myers, and Paul Shaffer are all standing by waiting to be activated. To throw the Americans off the scent Canada has also sent Tom Green and William Shatner.
 
IIya, your question is sort of off topic, but yes, Canada’s first Prime Minister, Sir John A. Macdonald was a falling down drunk, but in his defense he was born in Scotland.
 
Rafael, I was also starting to wonder if our Facebook group had been compromised, but Special Agent Billy Bob from San Diego, Saskatchewan says I’m just being paranoid.
Okay guys, American Idol is about to start so I’ve got to run. Remember Canada Rules! How about we meet up at Starbucks after the show?
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How Old is Mickey Rourke in Dog Years?


Mickey Rourke Grunge Poster Concept
Image by ninethreestudio via Flickr
Now that the Oscars have come and gone, it seems an appropriate time to reflect on one of the most talked about contenders for the best actor award, Mikey Rourke, the come back king. Now I’ll readily admit that I haven’t seen The Wrestler and I’ll be honest, short of being sentenced to serve time in a trailer park I’m never going to, but I can’t help admire a man that went from obscurity to fame to obscurity and back to fame again. He seems to have lived a fascinating if somewhat twisted life. I wish I had the opportunity to ask him that one  burning question that is no doubt in the minds of many of you, “Mickey, what is it with you and those Chihuahuas?”  Now, for those of you just returning from your recent explorations of Antarctica let me explain. Mr. Rourke is rarely seen without a Chihuahua (Spanish word meaning, “Damn, are you sure that’s not a rat?”) seemingly surgically attached to his body.  When he won the Golden Globe for best performance by an actor in a motion picture drama he of course thanked those most responsible for his success,  “I’d like to thank all my dogs. The ones that are here, the ones that aren’t here anymore because sometimes when a man’s alone, that’s all you got is your dog, and they’ve meant the world to me.” Huh?

At the recent Oscars ceremony, Mr. Rorke wore a stylish white open necked suit like garment and in a locket around his neck was a memorial photo of his recently deceased dog, Loki. Boy, I would have loved to have heard that night’s acceptance speech. Now,I don’t for a moment suggest that Mr. Rourke is  responsible for the twisted way North Americans have been humanizing their dogs, no for that I blame Paris Hilton. Photo after photo of her with her Chihuahua being carried everywhere as some sort of ugly fashion accessory. It was not long before similar body twitching, snarling nasty little creatures began appearing on the arms of tweens and teenagers. (You know who you are.)

There can be little doubt that North Americans love their pets. A staggering s

In the United States, doggie spending survives death. The death of the owner that is. A whopping one million dogs are said to be the main beneficiary to a will.  In 2007 the queen of mean, Leona Helmsley left $12 million in her will to her dog, Trouble.(Reduced to a measly $2 million by mean Manhattan judge Troy Webber in February 2009.)

Recently the well known, but ancient ABC TV journalist and The View panelist Barbara Walters revealed to the world that her dog Cha-Cha could speak. According to Ms. Walters the dog says, “I love you.” Now call me a skeptic if you will, but if her dog could really speak wouldn’t it have more likely have said, “Doctor, keep those scissors away from my scrotal sac.” I’m just saying.
And another thing, can you please stop talking about how old your dog is in dog years? Dogs have a shorter life span than humans, sad but true. Now I’m no math whiz, but even I know that a dog’s average life span of 12.8 years doesn’t equal 89.6 human years; it equals 12.8 years. Dogs aren’t human,they’re dogs! Get over it. If you don’t stop I’m going to introduce the calculation of tortoise years (120/77.8 = 1.5424164524421593830334190231362).
 
For those of you still doubting the importance of dogs in the United States, I have just two words to say, Westminster Dog Show (Okay, three words.)
The overpowering love felt towards dogs is by no means restricted to North America.  In the Indian state of Tamil Nadu, 33 year old P. Selvakumar married a four year old dog named Selvi. The bride wore an orange sari decorated with flowers. One slight hitch occurred at the 200 guest reception when the bride ran away. Luckily she was recaptured and her husband rewarded her with milk and a bun. Unsubstantiated reports suggest that Selvakumar says his mother-in-law is a bitch. Not to be outdone, at Bhubaneswar in eastern India, an infant boy was married off to a neighbour’s dog at a ceremony attended by 150 people. Unfortunately there is no information on the gown worn by the bride.
In the Northern Philippines the term “man bites dog” takes on a whole new meaning as every year around 500,000 dogs are butchered to be turned into meat for human consumption. Korea and China apparently also enjoy tender young pup. Nope, absolutely nothing funny to say about that.
Apart from marriage and good eating, dogs are reputed to have direct health benefits for their owers. Studies suggest that dogs can lower blood pressure and cholesterol, reduce anxiety attacks, provide a ready patsy to explain away that gaseous after chili discharge and in the cases of the most fanatical of dog owners actually increase their level of physical activity. Mickey Rourke recently told Barbra Walters in an interview, “[Dogs are] like a giant Xanax” and who would argue with the wrestler?
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