To B or Double-D, that is the question

You may be surprised to learn that university newspapers are minimized by “professional” news people as not being seen as a source of serious journalism. We are accused of not focusing on the important issues in the world. Well, let me assure you this columnist is certainly not going be accused of ignoring important issues. War, crime, poverty and violence; a look at current news sources show how important these topics are.  So, with that in mind I think that it is essential in my first column to cover an issue that is being sadly overlooked. That issue is of course, breast implants. Yes, breast implants, more specifically breast augmentation. This issue is a sensitive one and as I’m sure you’ll agree, a topic such as this cries out for empathic handling by a sensitive and caring columnist. Unfortunately, she was unavailable.

The American Society of Plastic Surgeons reports that breast augmentation is the number-one cosmetic surgical procedure undertaken in the United States and has been for the last five consecutive years. (269,203 procedures in 2010) Over two million women in the U.S. have breast implants (I’m not making this stuff up). You might be wondering who is getting all these implants and isn’t there a danger of creating a silicone shortage? The average age for women getting their breasts augmented is 34, but that didn’t stop Jenna Franklin of Warsop Val in England. The parents of this 15-year-old girl went along with her choice of a 16th birthday gift (as any responsible parents would do); getting a breast enlargement. As Miss Franklin explained to The Guardian newspaper, “You’ve got to have breasts to be successful.” This teenager no doubt has a great future ahead of her.

Just in case you think Jenna is the only deep thinker among us let me refer you to the story of Joan Lloyd, who at the age of 65 made the rational decision to dip into her life savings in order to increase her breast size from A to F. Joan reports that now, after the surgery she dates men as young as 24. She says that, “some of them don’t even know how old I am.” I’m sure her four children, 13 grandchildren and six great-grandchildren are very proud. Not to be outdone, 83 year old Marie Kolstad also recently underwent breast implant surgery. The New York Times reports her reason for the surgery was, “I want my children to be proud of what I look like.” (No word yet on the age of the men she is now dating.”)

Silicone gel-filled breast implants
Image via Wikipedia

Perhaps you may be considering getting breast augmentation surgery and have many questions. For example,
1. “Will my implants explode while I am flying?”
Put your mind at ease. No, there is no danger of your breast implants exploding at high altitudes (they might temporarily expand a little, but that generally isn’t considered a problem). OR

2. “Will I have to change the way I do things day-to-day?”
Generally you will not have to adjust your life, however when shopping be very careful when turning quickly in the glassware department (you break it you buy it) and you will need to practice the following phrase: “Hey, my eyes are up here.”

For other questions you will want to ask your surgeon. It is suggested you take someone along with you to that meeting for support. (NOTE TO MEN: If you are present during the consultation refrain from repeatedly asking the doctor, “what’s the largest size available?”) (NOTE TO WOMEN: Avoid looking at any photos of Tori Spelling’s boob job. All I’ll say on this is “Eewww!”) It is important to be aware that many women will not agree with your decision to have breast augmentation. Radical feminist Sheila stated in an interview that breast implants are a “harmful cultural practice” rather than a liberating one. On the other hand, she stopped shaving her legs and armpits around 1973.

You may think that breast augmentation is strictly for women. Well you’re wrong. Breast augmentation for men (technically Pectoral Augmentation) is gaining in popularity. Hey it beats having to exercise. One fake pec recipient told Fox News, “”People buy cars, right? People buy property. I thought, ‘I’ll buy a set of pecs.’ Like shopping at Crate & Barrel.” Who could possibly argue with that logic? But that is a whole different article. Did I mention that silicone breast implants were invented by men? Go figure.

Originally published in The Cascade newspaper

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