I was sitting around the other day, as you do, pondering the important things in life. With the world seemingly on the edge of financial collapse, tens of thousands of people losing their jobs and the alarming increase in crime, the more I thought, the more I began to wonder how the Burger King Corporation was doing. I know what you’re saying; it’s not easy being number two in the fast food industry.
You’ll be happy to hear that in 2008 Burger King held its own. In the fourth quarter profits were up 42 percent. With almost $650 million in revenue they seem to be doing most things right. You might be asking what aren’t they doing right?
1. Not letting criminals know they don’t actually keep the $650 million in cash at the restaurants.
In Colorado Springs, a man in his twenties using a six shooter robbed a Burger King and left with a few dollars in a takeout bag. A short time later, a man matching his description hurled a rock through the local Dairy Queen drive-thru window. No word on whether the suspect was lactose intolerant or just had an aversion to Dilly® Bars.
2. Not being quite selective enough when hiring their employees.
The Seattle Times reported that an 18 year old night shift manager will likely face felony charges for being involved in his own armed robbery. During the robbery of the Burger King, the shift manager was hit in the face and head with the robber’s revolver. The King County Sheriff’s Office reported that the shift manager and the robber “were in cahoots”. Cahoots, now there’s a word that is definitely being under-utilized in the 21st century.
3. Not quite getting the idea behind a dress code.
In Christchurch, New Zealand, a Burger King outlet banned students wearing school uniforms from entering the restaurant. No word on whether the ban will be expanded to include nuns wearing habits.
4. Introducing the “Angry Whopper®” to their menu in January 2009.
The Palm Beach Post reported that an enraged man at the drive-thru of the Burger King phoned 911 to report that he was unhappy with his order. He wanted lemonade and couldn’t get it. Police responded and a 66 year old man is facing charges of misusing 911. It is unclear at this time whether he had included the “Angry Whopper®” in his order.
5. “Flame”, Burger King’s broiled meat scented body spray.
In a somewhat related note Reuters Life! reports that the Cow Protection Department of the Rashtriya Swayamsevak Sangh in India is set to release a cow urine soft drink. So far Burger King has made no comment.