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To B or Double-D, that is the question

You may be surprised to learn that university newspapers are minimized by “professional” news people as not being seen as a source of serious journalism. We are accused of not focusing on the important issues in the world. Well, let me assure you this columnist is certainly not going be accused of ignoring important issues. War, crime, poverty and violence; a look at current news sources show how important these topics are.  So, with that in mind I think that it is essential in my first column to cover an issue that is being sadly overlooked. That issue is of course, breast implants. Yes, breast implants, more specifically breast augmentation. This issue is a sensitive one and as I’m sure you’ll agree, a topic such as this cries out for empathic handling by a sensitive and caring columnist. Unfortunately, she was unavailable.

The American Society of Plastic Surgeons reports that breast augmentation is the number-one cosmetic surgical procedure undertaken in the United States and has been for the last five consecutive years. (269,203 procedures in 2010) Over two million women in the U.S. have breast implants (I’m not making this stuff up). You might be wondering who is getting all these implants and isn’t there a danger of creating a silicone shortage? The average age for women getting their breasts augmented is 34, but that didn’t stop Jenna Franklin of Warsop Val in England. The parents of this 15-year-old girl went along with her choice of a 16th birthday gift (as any responsible parents would do); getting a breast enlargement. As Miss Franklin explained to The Guardian newspaper, “You’ve got to have breasts to be successful.” This teenager no doubt has a great future ahead of her.

Just in case you think Jenna is the only deep thinker among us let me refer you to the story of Joan Lloyd, who at the age of 65 made the rational decision to dip into her life savings in order to increase her breast size from A to F. Joan reports that now, after the surgery she dates men as young as 24. She says that, “some of them don’t even know how old I am.” I’m sure her four children, 13 grandchildren and six great-grandchildren are very proud. Not to be outdone, 83 year old Marie Kolstad also recently underwent breast implant surgery. The New York Times reports her reason for the surgery was, “I want my children to be proud of what I look like.” (No word yet on the age of the men she is now dating.”)

Silicone gel-filled breast implants
Image via Wikipedia

Perhaps you may be considering getting breast augmentation surgery and have many questions. For example,
1. “Will my implants explode while I am flying?”
Put your mind at ease. No, there is no danger of your breast implants exploding at high altitudes (they might temporarily expand a little, but that generally isn’t considered a problem). OR

2. “Will I have to change the way I do things day-to-day?”
Generally you will not have to adjust your life, however when shopping be very careful when turning quickly in the glassware department (you break it you buy it) and you will need to practice the following phrase: “Hey, my eyes are up here.”

For other questions you will want to ask your surgeon. It is suggested you take someone along with you to that meeting for support. (NOTE TO MEN: If you are present during the consultation refrain from repeatedly asking the doctor, “what’s the largest size available?”) (NOTE TO WOMEN: Avoid looking at any photos of Tori Spelling’s boob job. All I’ll say on this is “Eewww!”) It is important to be aware that many women will not agree with your decision to have breast augmentation. Radical feminist Sheila stated in an interview that breast implants are a “harmful cultural practice” rather than a liberating one. On the other hand, she stopped shaving her legs and armpits around 1973.

You may think that breast augmentation is strictly for women. Well you’re wrong. Breast augmentation for men (technically Pectoral Augmentation) is gaining in popularity. Hey it beats having to exercise. One fake pec recipient told Fox News, “”People buy cars, right? People buy property. I thought, ‘I’ll buy a set of pecs.’ Like shopping at Crate & Barrel.” Who could possibly argue with that logic? But that is a whole different article. Did I mention that silicone breast implants were invented by men? Go figure.

Originally published in The Cascade newspaper

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I Don’t Hate Children

Shockingly diverse kindergarten group in Paris
Image via Wikipedia

Okay, let’s get this out in the open right away. Regardless of what you might have heard “I don’t hate children”. Let me repeat that, “I don’t hate children”. There, now that I have that off my chest I can begin. Okay, just to clarify I’m not saying I like children, I’m just saying I don’t hate them. Are we good now?  Okay, in the interest of full disclosure, just so there is no misunderstanding let me be clear in fact by saying there are definitely some children I don’t particularly like all that much, but ” I don’t hate children”..

Okay, if I’m being totally honest, there are maybe one or two children I could be classified as hating, but they’re not really very nice children, so I feel justified in saying that “I don’t hate children”. Okay and maybe that school bus load of children that yelled particularly nasty comments at me as the bus drove by, well, let’s just say I don’t remember you fondly. Oh, and to the ginger haired boy in the back seat of that bus, you might want to get those spots on your behind checked out by a doctor, very nasty. Okay, but apart from those one or two understandable exceptions let me make it very clear once and for all, “I DON’T HATE CHILDREN!” Okay, now their parents on the other hand…

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I’ll Gladly Pay You Tuesday …

The most recent version of the company mascot,...
Image via Wikipedia

I was sitting around the other day, as you do, pondering the important things in life. With the world seemingly on the edge of financial collapse, tens of thousands of people losing their jobs and the alarming increase in crime, the more I thought, the more I began to wonder how the Burger King Corporation was doing. I know what you’re saying; it’s not easy being number two in the fast food industry.



You’ll be happy to hear that in 2008 Burger King held its own. In the fourth quarter profits were up 42 percent. With almost $650 million in revenue they seem to be doing most things right. You might be asking what aren’t they doing right?


1. Not letting criminals know they don’t actually keep the $650 million in cash at the restaurants.


In Colorado Springs, a man in his twenties using a six shooter robbed a Burger King and left with a few dollars in a takeout bag. A short time later, a man matching his description hurled a rock through the local Dairy Queen drive-thru window. No word on whether the suspect was lactose intolerant or just had an aversion to Dilly® Bars.


2. Not being quite selective enough when hiring their employees.


The Seattle Times reported that an 18 year old night shift manager will likely face felony charges for being involved in his own armed robbery. During the robbery of the Burger King, the shift manager was hit in the face and head with the robber’s revolver. The King County Sheriff’s Office reported that the shift manager and the robber “were in cahoots”.  Cahoots, now there’s a word that is definitely being under-utilized in the 21st century.


3.  Not quite getting the idea behind a dress code.


In Christchurch, New Zealand, a Burger King outlet banned students wearing school uniforms from entering the restaurant. No word on whether the ban will be expanded to include nuns wearing habits.


4. Introducing the “Angry Whopper®” to their menu in January 2009.


The Palm Beach Post reported that an enraged man at the drive-thru of the Burger King phoned 911 to report that he was unhappy with his order. He wanted lemonade and couldn’t get it. Police responded and a 66 year old man is facing charges of misusing 911. It is unclear at this time whether he had included the “Angry Whopper®” in his order.


5. “Flame”, Burger King’s broiled meat scented body spray.

In a somewhat related note Reuters Life! reports that the Cow Protection Department of the Rashtriya Swayamsevak Sangh in India is set to release a cow urine soft drink. So far Burger King has made no comment.

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Finding World Peace

For my first blog I thought I’d write a piece that would make readers laugh until they cried. After quickly realizing my writing just isn’t that funny, I decided to write this piece instead.

Like me, in these uncertain times I’m sure you’re asking yourself: what can I do to help foster world peace? I’ve just spent the last 30 seconds contemplating that very question and only stopped when I said “HEY!” No actually, I really did. No one else is here at the moment to confirm that I actually said it, but I’ll have to ask you just to trust me on this. Anyway, as I was saying after I had said “HEY!” (not kidding) it dawned on me that I had just missed Chinese New Year and this is the year of the ox. Now, about this time you might be asking “where is this guy going with this?” (and let me tell you I can appreciate why you might be posing this question, but can I ask you something? When you asked that question did you say it out loud? I only ask because of that whole “Hey!” part at the beginning.)

Okay as I was saying, Chinese New Year, what gives with that? You’d think a civilization that is thousands of years old and has contributed such noble advances to world peace as gun powder and those spiffy terra cotta warriors would know when January 1st was? Now lest you think I am in some way belittling Chinese culture or tradition let me address New Years in Tibet or “Losar” as it is known (I wouldn’t make something like that up). So, these bunch of losars (celebrants of the festival Losar) ring in New Years between January and March. (Not for the entire time you losar, the date changes each year.) By now you must be thinking “those wacky Asians”, but let’s keep moving west.

In India or party central as it’s known to millions, you’ll need to block out March through April (those strange customer service conversations are starting to make sense). Over in Iran set your New Years calendar to the first day of spring (not known as party central by anyone). In the countries where the Coptic Orthodox Church is supreme be ready to wow down on September 11th while over at the Eastern Orthodox Church the big ball drops on January 14th unless you live in Bulgaria, Cyprus, Egypt, Greece, Romania, Syria or Turkey where they said to heck with that as it was too confusing for the tourists who expect to get drunk on December 31st. Finally lets not forget those fun loving neo-pagans who celebrate the Celtic Wheel of the Year around November 1st. (Do not even go there with me!)

Where was I? That’s right, world peace. I’m getting tired, why don’t we tackle that after we finish celebrating New Years.

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