Redheads need not apply

London Sperm Bank
Image by Stéphane Moussie via Flickr

Have you ever thought about donating sperm? Okay, apart from you Steve. No? Me either, but apparently thousands not only think about it, but can earn as much as $1200 a month by barely lifting a finger.  I know what you’re thinking and I never thought I’d be writing a column where I would be repeatedly using the words sperm and masturbation. Oh, come on you knew we were going to end up there. I had originally intended to write a column about the mysteries of food science. You know, like who thought it was a good idea to make green ketchup, what was Crystal Pepsi all about and what was being smoked at McDonalds when they came up with the McDLT?  A hot side, a cool side, please just put the burger together for me, but all that will have to wait.

How have I ended up stooping so low? Good question. For the record it was all a simple misunderstanding. I was at the weekly writers’ meeting playing “Angry Birds” on my phone as usual.  I heard the editor mention there was an issue that needed to be covered where tact and sensitivity was required. Now in my defense I thought he said SPAM donation. I love SPAM and I’ve always been a big supporter of Food Banks. I’ve even memorized the SPAM song from Monty Python, so I told the editor I’d be a perfect fit to write the story.  I mentioned I loved its taste and would be prepared to include a photo of myself making a donation at the bank. I even offered to shoot a video that could be put up on the paper’s website. Of course now with the benefit of hindsight I realize why the entire writing staff was staring at me.

Hey, did you know there were elephant sperm banks? It’s true. North America’s first elephant sperm bank is nearing completion at the Pittsburg Zoo. Officials are waiting for government approval to import 16 liters of elephant semen from a sperm bank in Africa. I wonder what dirty magazines they give the elephants to look at?

I know it’s too late for this year, but mark next year’s calendar because May is “National Masturbation Month”. It’s been around since 1995. Personally, I’m still trying to wrap my mind around “Borderline Personality Disorder Month”. That’s in May too. If you think a whole month might be too big a commitment there’s always the “Masturbate-a-Thon”. It only lasts for two days. The organizers suggest asking for pledges of $10 an hour from every donor. Don’t worry, the cash donations are totally tax-deductible. I wonder what’s written on the receipt?

Okay, let’s get back to the business at hand (that reminds me, did you know someone took the time to catalogue over a thousand terms for masturbation? I’m guessing someone’s still living in their parent’s basement). The issue that cried out for this column to be written is the wanton discrimination of an entire group of men from the ability to earn an honest living by the labours of their own hands.  Cryos International, the world’s largest sperm bank has decreed that redheaded men need no longer apply because no one wants a redheaded child (In an unrelated story there are unconfirmed reports of a dramatic decrease in the number of repetitive stress injuries occurring in Ireland). Cryos denies this decision has anything to do with the comedian Carrot Top. The company’s media representatives refused comment on Conan O’Brien. If you’re looking to start a business though, Cryos wants you to know franchises are available.

Now let’s get to the part you guys really want to know about. Sperm donors for companies such as Cryos need to be university students (or graduates) between 18-39 (no redheads) and willing to make deposits (you know what they mean) at least twice a week. Donors must abstain from sex, drinking alcohol and smoking for at least 48 hours before each deposit. (Do they want university students or not? Make up your minds). ATTENTION: Before the basketball team disappears you need to know you don’t get paid for it in Canada (against the law), so wait for your away games. 

Just a few final words to the newly unemployed redheads, idle hands are the Devil’s workshop (Yes, I know it makes no sense here but give me a break, it gave me the chance to write “idle hands”. Nothing says classy writer like another masturbation reference). Seriously guys, I don’t know why you haven’t thought of this yet. It’s called hair dye. Look it up. It’ll be at least nine months before anyone figures it out.

Originally published in The Cascade newspaper

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