Je suis Charlie
To hammock, or not to hammock? That is the question.
Zombies We’re People Too, Sort of
You know, no one blames you for thinking being a zombie can be a bit of a downer. We zombies get a lot of bad press, Yes “AMC” I’m looking at you. Don’t get me wrong, being a member of the walking dead has its advantages, such as you’re immediately eligible for a seat in the Canadian Senate. Not to mention in Canada’s current employment situation we’re grateful that any customer service department in the country will snap us up and where would do you think airports get their security screeners?
I know this is a big concern for you, but let me assure you we have absolutely no interest in eating your brains. I mean don’t you read the news? Ever hear of “Mad Cow“? Hello! Perhaps at times we’re not as picky as we should be about what we eat, but if you kept you cats and children in at night there really wouldn’t be a problem. So whose fault is it really? Perhaps you should be look in the mirror.
Now, I know for some of us personal hygiene is not as perfect as we’d like it to be and putrefaction can be an issue from time to time, but if you could refrain from vomiting right in front of us that would be appreciated.
We’re really not that different from you. We enjoy having social gatherings. That’s why we have so many zombie walks. It gives us a chance to “meat” the general public and to catch up with each other while checking out the local haunts. I know sometimes we get carried away, like Brenda losing her head for example. No, really if whoever walked away with it would contact Brenda she’d really like it back, no questions asked.
Go Canucks Go!
Everybody is Happy
Are batteries included and other burning issues from my visit to Taboo
It has been a few days since the 5th annual Taboo Naughty..but nice Show visited Abbotsford and with no evidence of significant smiting from on high I’m feeling safe enough to share details of my visit. If you aren’t already aware, the show “provides an upscale adult playground dedicated to enhancing lifestyles, encouraging romance, personal betterment and all things Taboo.”
My hand was inked with a scarlet stamp (might want to consider a different colour next year, just saying) and I was greeted by a young lady dressed in a costume I’m guessing was intended to be sensual, but, and I mean no disrespect to her
when I say it reminded me of the costumes dancing Chihuahuas wear at the circus. She handed me a bag, but the lighting in the hall was subdued, so I decided to check out the contents of the bag later. Kevin Blackburn, the manager of the show assured me it wasn’t actually dark but was in fact mood lighting to “create an adult atmosphere to create more of a taboo style” and that the exhibitor’s booths were well lit. I did notice as I walked around that many of the items for sale seemed to glow in the dark or light up, so that helped.
Kevin told me the show is “happy to be back in Abbotsford after almost not doing the show this year.” (oh come on, look it up.) He assured me the initial cancellation of the show was legitimate and in no way a marketing ploy to gain publicity. Apparently the promotors didn’t want to disappoint those in the community that made 100s of phone calls and emails encouraging Taboo to come back. That along with an indication from the city and Tradex that in 2013, Taboo will likely get the type of liquor license they want after-all.
I must be of the certain age and body type that signals sellers of adult products “not worth the effort” as I wasn’t approached by any exhibitor with a pitch or demonstration. Although I did have to sidestep one young lady waving a whip in the middle of the aisle. There were deals at the show, a $199 “male chastitybelt”(guaranteed escape proof) available for the jaw dropping price of $149. There were devices
designed to vibrate areas of the body that never occurred to me were deserving of vibration. I wonder why so many of the more intimate devices are named after small cuddly animals? For the record I would like to state there are some things that really shouldn’t be made as an edible product. Actually, I just remembered I was approached by one lady exhibitor. She wanted to show me a device for taking rough skin off my feet. My last faint delusion of personal attractiveness was irretrievably lost.
The Taboo show not only offered items to stimulate or flagellate, but also provided the opportunity for piercings, body modifications and tattoos. It wasn’t only the physical needs of attendees being catered to, but the psychological ones as well. A registered psychologist was on hand to arrange to help with problems relating to sexuality, relationships or court mandated services.
Taboo offered a selection of seminars with the price of admission. Just a few of the choices were, “Talking Dirty”, “Okay, I bought this flogger, now what?” and “You want to do what to me?” Oh yes and there was also a “love hypnotist” on hand to convince people to come on stage and be hypnotized. I’m not sure how wise being hypnotized at an adult product and services show would be, but that’s just me.
Clearly some oppose the show, but Kevin Blackburn told me that for the first time since the show has been coming to Abbotsford there were no protesters to be seen. Kevin estimates around 10,000 people attend Taboo when it comes to town. Oh, and I finally did look inside the bag. It contained a selection of lubricant. I’m happy to report my driver side door no longer has that annoying squeak, but the inside of the car reeks of pomegranate. Oh well.
There’s more to sports than hockey
It’s that time of year when your favorite hockey team has let you down yet again and you’re on the lookout for a new sport to follow. Allow me to present for your enjoyment and consideration a sport unlike any you’ve followed before. The participants can be a little rough around the edges, but apart from the occasional mouthful of spittle coming your way the spectator is generally safe. In this sport there is no boring hockey bits between fights, no here the spectator enjoys the experience of pure brute force, one true beast against another. Of course I refer to the great sport of “Camel Wrestling”.
Camel wrestling is no Johnny-come-lately in the sports world having been enjoyed for more the 2,400 years. I know it
can be hard to envision such a great length of time, but to make it clearer, that it is roughly five times as long as the shelf life of an average Twinkie.
Like any professional sport there has to be qualified referees to make sure things run smoothly. In camel wrestling there are 14 such referees monitoring each bout, so you can imagine the speed of each battle. In addition to the refs, of course there is a board of judges on hand just in case the camels stray too far away from the accepted rules and to rate each camel’s technique. Of course there are cows in heat nearby to motivate the players to attack each other. As you can see the sport is similar to hockey in many ways.
Each wrestling bout is comprised of two male camels attempting to get the other to the ground or force him to flee. To help you visualize this, imagine if you will the scene at the all-you-can-eat buffet restaurant following the Weightwatchers’ weigh-in. Uniforms? Of course there has to be uniforms, otherwise how could it really be considered a sport? Each camel is outfitted with layers of brightly coloured tapestry thingies and bells to make them stand out from one another. As to the choice of one hump or two, both varieties of camel enjoy favour in the sport.
The prize for all the expense and effort taken by the owner of the winning camel is usually in the form of a nice new rug. Of course, camel meat is on hand for the culinary enjoyment of the spectators, but no information was available by deadline on whether it is the winner or the loser.
Now that you’re all revved up and ready to go, just make sure that you’ve had your inoculations and a valid passport. What? Didn’t I mention that you’re on your way to Turkey?
Sex show canceled, an Abbotsford resident responds
I’m glad to see, if you’ll pardon my language, s-e-x has no place in the Fraser Valley. The “5th Annual Fraser Valley Taboo Naughty But Nice Show” has been cancelled and it’s about time too. For far too long, we in the valley have been exposed to things that have no place being discussed, let alone seen in decent society. We have dirty magazines in corner stores luring our young men into lustful thoughts, ladies’ unmentionables being openly displayed for sale in our shopping malls, and don’t get me started on the rude looking vegetables that supermarkets insist on stocking. In fact, sometimes it takes me 20 minutes to leave the produce section.
Now, I’m no prude. I’m not proud to admit it, but I had sex once. It was 15 seconds of weakness that I ask forgiveness for every day. Even though I sinned I still had the decency to succumb to the evils of the flesh in the dark, behind closed doors and with my eyes closed, the way s-e-x is intended to be experienced.
How dare the show’s organizers expose adults to information involving their naughty bits? Did you know there was even going to be seminars offered at the show? In Vancouver, (a well known den of sin) there were talks on spanking and talking dirty. I don’t know why that is necessary. My parents spanked me and I turned out okay and they didn’t need to take any lessons on it. As far as talking dirty, let me tell you, if the house is dirty, I won’t have to talk to my wife about it she knows she’d better clean it. They even had a seminar called, “Pleasuring a Man’s Hot Spots”. I don’t know why they need a seminar on this. When I’m hot I just turn on the air conditioner. I don’t want to be totally negative though, because there was a seminar offered on cooking. I believe it was called something like, “Oral Delights”.
I don’t even want to talk about the live entertainment, but exotic dancers and adult film stars are in attendance at these shows. This is totally disgusting and all that is available on the Internet anyway, or so I’ve heard. Canadians spend over a billion dollars every year on adult sexual entertainment and that’s not factoring in the money politicians spend. You can’t even claim it as a business expense, or so I’ve heard.
I won’t be crying any tears about the show being cancelled— although I’m still not sure on the organizer’s refund policy for pre-paid tickets — anyway as I was saying if we allow this type of show in the Valley, next there will be calls for sex education in the schools, and same sex blessings in churches. Not on my watch, no sir. Nothing good can come from encouraging the prevention of unwanted pregnancies or recognizing the importance of stable loving relationships. If God wanted to encourage sex, he wouldn’t have invented marriage. Anyway I’ve got to go. See you in church on Sunday?
An Immodest Proposal: For preventing the elderly in Canada from being a burden to their families or country, and for making them beneficial to the public.
With apologies to Jonathan Swift
I am saddened as I stroll through the grocery stores or malls on the weekend. Everywhere one looks, in every nook and cranny seems to be the lurking object often referred to as the “senior”. The senior can often be observed on their own, but are more likely to be found in packs of three or four. Those tasked with earning an honest living must navigate through their masses as they occupy all available seating or shuffle down the grocery aisles restricting the flow of earnest shoppers with important tasks to accomplish.
While many may deny it in public, the situation of the pensioned seniors imposing their presence in this great Commonwealth nation has created a near deplorable state. Even affecting the simple morning task of workers trying to lessen their own daily travails by visiting purveyors of fast food delights are hampered by the scourge of the senior coffee refill clutches occupying the eating establishments with nothing meaningful to do.
It is not my intention to assign blame to the senior, oh perish the thought. The predicament society faces today is the fault of us all. Life expectancy in Canada has reached almost 81 years. I ask myself how can this be? Was no person or great institution tasked with limiting this expectation? Was no thought given to the burden on society of allowing such a thing to happen? For my own part, I am not blameless. I once thought these seniors having toiled for the majority of their lives to help create the country we love today deserve to spend their latter years in a limited condition of comfort. No, I do not shirk from my limited role in the current situation.
The number of souls in this great nation is calculated to be over thirty-four and a half million, of these almost five million are 65 or older. When these great numbers of seniors are considered with calculation in mind to their impact on the productive population is staggering. The great and good body, the Canadian Institute for Health Information reports that this 14% of the nation’s population consume 40% of the services of hospitals and 45% of all provincial and territorial government health spending. Now of course, some of the aging surplus dies every year, but unfortunately not enough to make any significant savings impacts on health budgets. I am all to aware that certain unenlightened segments of society would not be supportive of any positive encouragement to increase the number of dead, so I propose we consider ways to reduce the leechlike impact the seniors have on Canada.
The issue is of course how can the senior segment of the population be utilized to be productive in their waning years. It is perplexing to me that past Canadian governments created a mechanism for sloth called the Old Age Security Pension. It would be utterly impractical due to time and space constraints to chronicle how this calamity came about, but suffice to say the result is any member of society who by taking no action other than not having expired by the age of 65 may cease to be productive and is thereafter awarded regular monetary inducement to continue to live.
It is to our nation’s good fortune that we have been blessed by a new type of leadership which has finally begun to see the folly of continuing the current system of senior non-productivity. Now to be sure, there are some among us that have chosen to decry these positive enhancements, but let me humbly offer my own reflections for consideration.
I am assured by those who should know that the senior is not a willing participant in the present system of monetary entitlement. No, apart from a minimal number of idlers and loafers, the senior desires to be a productive member of society. One must only frequent the great merchant called Wal-Mart to evidence the excitement of the senior in their blue vest greeting patrons as they enter the establishment. I am aware that not all seniors have the power of mobility, but these individuals can still live productive lives. It saddens me to say, but there are factions in our country that have through their unwarranted attacks all but eliminated the sport of midget tossing. This sport could easily be adapted to accommodate lame or otherwise crippled seniors replacing the midget in the role of the party being tossed. Who among us would dare protest the ability of a senior in earning an honest wage?
I am aware that there may be some seniors who for reasons beyond their control may not be able to actively contribute to society, but I propose that with some minor modification to current legislation even these seniors can be of service to the nation. There is a dearth of human organs for transplantation in Canada. With the correct monetary or other inducement vast numbers of seniors could be utilized as living donors to alleviate the current shortages. Seniors can contribute kidneys, lungs, liver lobes, and pancreas and still have a chance of surviving.
One also must not overlook the option of using seniors for human experimentation. It cannot be denied medical advances have suffered from the actions of naysayers over the use of animals such as monkeys and dogs in research. These protests could be much eliminated by replacing the animals with senior “volunteers”. These seniors would be fed, housed and looked after for as long as their services were required while serving the needs of drug and make-up providers.
It cannot be denied that when the senior departs from this mortal coil there is a monetary drain on the family left behind and the government. I propose that the senior does not lose the ability to be productive after death. The more presentable seniors could be given over to the talents of the taxidermist for alteration for use by the fashion industry as mannequins. This would be both economical and green as no poisons from cremation or burial are inflicted on the earth and not manufacturing artificial mannequins would reduce green house emissions. For the seniors who would not be good candidates for mannequin utilization due to accident or disfiguring disease, they could be converted into fertilizer or for use as a source of protein for the livestock and domestic pet industry.
I profess that I am heartened to see that the policies of the current leader of our national government is so enlightened in considering policy to encourage seniors to be productive. I hope that my humble suggestions may contribute to his plans and I wish to tell him that I and people of like mind will continue to support him.
Cell Phone Toss
In 1973, inventor Martin Cooper made the first mobile phone call. In the time since that first cellular call, the number of cell phones in use has now reached more than five billion throughout the world. With that many cell phones it was only a matter of time before someone came up with a use for them that actually made sense.
Christine Lund, an interpreter in Finland founded the sport of “Kännykänheiton” which roughly translated means, “Boy, it is very cold here in Finland. I wish we had really good television. There is never anything to watch except shows on pickling herring. Why does my cell phone company charge me so much when I can never get decent reception? I’m going to take this phone back to the store and show them exactly what I think of their crappy service.” For the benefit of English speaking participants the name of the sport was shortened to “Mobile Phone Throwing.”
What started in Finland as a sport with just a few fans has grown to become a sport enjoyed throughout Europe and the United States. There are annual world championships held in Savonlinna, Finland, where the best throwers congregate to compete for the title of “the person that throws the cell phone really, really, really far”. (Finnish is extremely difficult to translate into English.) The 2011 World Championships attracted competitors from Australia, Finland, Russia, Ukraine and the United States.
Even though there are competitors from both Russia and the United States, the organizers do not require doping tests on participants. Being a sport, mobile phone throwing is governed by a formal set of rules. There are four categories of phone throwing: Juniors, Freestyle, Original and Team Original. Each of these categories is governed with minor variations by the same set of rules.
For the true aficionado the “original” category is considered the purest version of the sport. In “original” the phone must be tossed using the “traditional over the shoulder throw.” There has yet to be any official confirmation that points are deducted if anyone in the male division throws “like a girl.” Each thrower is permitted two throws, but each throw must be made using a different mobile phone. A competitor cannot take longer than 60 seconds between throws. The competitor who throws the cell phone the greatest distance is declared the winner.
The 2011 winner in the Men’s category was Oskari Heinonen who won with a throw of 76 meters. (If there are any Americans reading this 76 m is approximately 220 feet farther than the record distance for tobacco spitting.) Oskari did not come close to beating the world record distance of 94.7 meters, which was set by Mikko Lampi in 2005.
To help keep in top form between championships there is an Android app available called, “Throw Me” that is designed to let you practice throwing your phone and determining how far it would go. It is important to remember not to actually throw your phone, but just go through the motions. On a personal note, be advised that if you throw your phone, even if it is for the legitimate purpose of a recognized sport, your cell provider insists you keep paying until the end of your three-year contract. I bet Oskari never had that problem.
Originally appeared in The Cascade newspaper http://ufvcascade.ca
Well, I thought it was funny... 